


Should I Stay?

by cityofclockworkstars



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, Leaving, M/M, Reality, YouTubers - Freeform, danisnotonfire - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2015-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-27 11:49:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 12,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5047375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cityofclockworkstars/pseuds/cityofclockworkstars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil has been offered a job in America and decides to take it as it hurts to be near Dan knowing his feelings will never be returned. But when Phil tells Dan he's leaving Dan starts to realise he feels something he didn't notice before...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic so I'm really nervous but please comment if you like it! :) x

DAN'S POV ~

He’d been gone for ages. I looked outside and saw it was beginning to get dark. The outside lights were sending a faint yellow glow into our flat, and I could faintly hear car horns blaring, as the drivers were desperate to get home.   
I’d been mindlessly scrolling through Tumblr since he’d left, constantly telling myself that Tumblr was a deep, dark place where no one should ever visit, but I found it so addictive, scrolling through to see what appeared next on my dash. As I moved past a photo of FKA Twigs with Robert Pattison (btw what???), my eyes fell on a drawing of Phil and I kissing. I came across them a lot, and every time they caused me to feel a sharp pain, but I didn’t know why.   
My neck was starting to hurt from being in the same position, so I adjusted myself so I was stretched out across the sofa. I always got insanely bored when Phil wasn’t there, as I had no one to talk to and the flat felt empty.   
I looked up as the door opened, faintly hearing the click muffled by 'Citizen Erased’, which was blaring from my headphones. Phil walked through the door and handed me a Starbucks, which I gratefully accepted, as even inside it was freezing. He sat down on the sofa and curled up beneath a blanket, sipping his own coffee.  
"What's it like outside?" I asked, noticing his bright red nose and cheeks.  
"Pretty cold," he replied, gulping down his coffee. "No wait, absolutely freezing! And I slipped over on some ice outside Starbucks and spilt your drink all over the road so I had to get you a new one! The lady looked at me as if I was stupid..." He laughed and then got up off the sofa and began to leave the room.  
"You were gone ages!" I said. He seemed a bit strange... Distant. Obviously something had happened while he was out, because to get a coffee did not take two hours. "What did you do?"  
"Well I got the coffees and then went for a walk," he answered, rubbing his arms. He shuffled backwards, obviously hinting he wanted to leave the room.  
"In this weather?!" I gestured to the window and the sleet that was tumbling from the sky and forming soggy slush in the middle of the pavements. I couldn't see anyone walking around outside, which shows how cold it was because we live in the centre of London and the street outside is normally congested with people hurrying backwards and forwards with shopping bags and briefcases.  
"I was thinking," he said before promptly leaving the room.  
I assumed his odd behavior was just a mood, and went back to scrolling through Tumblr and drinking my coffee.

 

PHILS POV~

As soon as I left I fell back against the wall. My coffee felt hot in my hand, and I felt a drip dribble down the side of the cup, finally ending its journey on my hand. I brushed it away and tried to concentrate on finding something for dinner but I couldn’t take my mind off it. It hurt to look at him when I knew what was going to happen. I just couldn't deal with it anymore: the unreturned feelings, being close to him the whole time knowing I shouldn't feel the way I do about my best friend. But he was gorgeous. His eyes were a beautiful chocolate brown and the dimple on his cheek that appeared when he smiled made him even more gorgeous. And his laugh. His laugh made my stomach do flips, and this is why I decided it had to stop.  
The fans noticed before I did, the glances we were sending each other and the flirting disguised as friendly banter. And when I heard what people were saying about it, it finally made sense. But for Dan, that's all it was, friendly banter. I decided to tell him over dinner, so I could work up the courage. What I was about to do made my heartbreak, but I needed to do it.  
I walked into the kitchen and looked in the fridge to see what we could have for dinner, but as usual there was only left over Chinese from our takeaway a week ago. I picked it up and saw it was covered with mold. I threw it into the bin with a squeal and then poked my head round the living room door and asked Dan what he wanted for dinner.  
"And you say you're my best friend Phil?! Chinese obviously!" He smiled at me, and my heart pounded and I realised I had to leave as soon as possible so I ducked back inside the kitchen and tried to take my mind off of Dan by ordering way too much Chinese.  
An hour later the doorbell rang, and I ran down to get the takeaway. The man handed me two huge bagfuls of food, and as I stared at it I realised just how much food I had bought. I shoved it onto the table and shouted to Dan that dinner was ready. I felt sick as I tried to muster the courage to say what I wanted... Wait no; I didn't WANT to say it but what I needed to say.  
Dinner was pretty uneventful, with random conversation that I'm pretty sure would land us in a mental home if someone overheard. I could barely eat anything because my stomach was churning so much, and Dan seemed to have picked up on this.  
"Phil are you ok? Are you not hungry?" He shoveled a spoonful of egg-fried rice into his mouth.  
"Yeh just not hungry." I stabbed my fork into a piece of chicken and forced my self to eat it.  
"But you ordered loads!" Dan said, gesturing at the table. About 15 boxes were lying there still full with food.  
"Yeh I know, sorry."  
"Phil, are you ok? You've been acting strange today." Dan looked at him with a caring expression.  
"Yeh I'm fine." I took a deep breath. "Actually, Dan, I wanted to say something." I looked up at him.  
"Yeh?" he said as he ate a forkful of Chow Mein.  
"Well, I've been offered a job in America. As a TV presenter." I looked down.  
Dan looked confused. "Ok..."  
"And I've decided to take it. I leave in three weeks."

 

CHAPTER TWO

DAN POV~

I felt sick. “What?” I thought he must have been playing a joke.   
“I’m sorry, I just thought that it would be best. I mean it’s a fantastic opportunity and you know I’ve always wanted to live in America. He looked down at his full plate, repeatedly picking up and putting down the noodles.   
“Yeh but I never thought it was serious. Are you seriously going?” I started to go all shaky and I gripped the edge of the tablecloth tightly so I could have something to hold onto.   
“Yes. I’m really sorry Dan…” His eyes began to glisten and at first I thought they were with laughter and for a moment I felt the panic begin to loosen but then, when they began to fill with tears, I felt worse than I did before. I stood up before I realised what I was doing and began to head towards the door, trying to take in what was happening. Phil stood up quickly and went in for a hug, but I pushed him away as I mumbled something about needing the toilet.


	2. Alone Together

DAN POV~

I felt sick. “What?” I thought he must have been playing a joke.   
“I’m sorry, I just thought that it would be best. I mean it’s a fantastic opportunity and you know I’ve always wanted to live in America. He looked down at his full plate, repeatedly picking up and putting down the noodles.   
“Yeh but I never thought it was serious. Are you seriously going?” I started to go all shaky and I gripped the edge of the tablecloth tightly so I could have something to hold onto.   
“Yes. I’m really sorry Dan…” His eyes began to glisten and at first I thought they were with laughter and for a moment I felt the panic begin to loosen but then, when they began to fill with tears, I felt worse than I did before. I stood up before I realised what I was doing and began to head towards the door, trying to take in what was happening. Phil stood up quickly and went in for a hug, but I pushed him away as I mumbled something about needing the toilet. I ran into my room and shut the door and and his underneath my duvet, feeling safe cocooned in the soft blankets.   
***  
I must have drifted off to sleep because when I woke up it was around midnight. I had that after nap confusion; I was walking around the flat in a daze. I wandered into the kitchen and found Phil eating my cereal.   
"AGAIN?! Seriously Phil!!!" I laughed as I grabbed the packet from him. He tugged back at it and we both fell into fits of giggles, aware of how stupid it was that two grown men were laughing at cereal in the middle of the night. I finally managed to pull harder than Phil and I stood there triumphantly, the box in my hands.   
"Are you ok now?" Phil asked quietly, his smile falling away.   
I had been so confused after my nap I had completely forgotten what had happened at dinner. It hit me again, but I realised I had to be pleased for Phil, or at least pretend to be. "Yeh I'm fine. Sorry for earlier. That's an amazing opportunity! You should be really pleased!!!" I tried to put as much enthusiasm into my voice as possible but failed miserably. I gave him an awkward hug and then made some excuse about being tired and went back to bed.   
I couldn't imagine life without my best friend. What would I do without someone to be weird with, without someone who ate my cereal in the middle of the night? I already feel empty when he leaves, and when he visits his parents I mope around the house for the entire time (although I'd never admit that to him). And his eyes... They were so beautiful, a stunning blue and looking into them made me feel...   
What was I doing? He was just my best friend, what was I doing thinking thoughts like that? I tried to shake the situation out of my head and put on my headphones, scrolling through until I found Alone Together by Fall Out Boy. I played it as load as the phone would let me and fell asleep, the lyrics sticking in my head. 

 

I don't know where you're going  
But do you got room for one more troubled soul?  
I don't know where I'm going  
But I don't think I'm coming home and I said  
I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead  
This is the road to ruin  
And we're starting at the end

Say yeah (yeah!)  
Let's be alone together (yeah)  
We could stay young forever (yeah)  
Scream it from the top of your lungs, lungs, lungs   
Say yeah (yeah!)  
Let's be alone together (yeah)  
We could stay young forever (yeah)  
We'll stay young, young, young, young, young.

PHIL POV~ 

As Dan left the room I sat on the kitchen counter. He seemed to almost shrug off the fact I was leaving. And that hurt. But earlier... He seemed really confused and upset. And now I was confused. Earlier I had convinced myself that leaving was the best option but now I wanted to stay. I couldn't leave him. But I knew I had to. 

I crept up to his door silently and opened it slowly. He was lying curled up in his bed, with the covers surrounding him. I shut it again slowly and felt the tears spring up in my eyes. Why did I have to fall in love with my best friend who didn't love me back? I ran into the living room and lay on the sofa, sobbing into my favourite cushion. 

DAN POV~ 

I heard Phil come into my room. He did this a lot and he always tried to be quiet but he never managed. I pretended to be asleep so that he wouldn't see I had been crying, but after he left I decided to get up and make the most of the last three weeks I had left with my best friend. I walked into the living room and found him crying on the sofa. 

"Phil are you ok?" I asked, sitting down next to him. 

He looked up and immediately tried to wipe away the tears. He looked so sad, and I decided if he wanted to tell me what it was about he would. 

"Come here." I pulled him into me and he snuggled down, his head on my chest. His tears soaked through my T-shirt and for some reason cuddling him made me feel slightly short of breath. I looked down at him and realised how beautiful he was. His eyes were gorgeous and he was just so... I couldn't find the word. 

"I'm gonna miss you Dan," he mumbled as he snuggled down further. 

"Me too, Phil, me too."


	3. Is It Real?

DAN POV~

The next few days were pretty awkward. The morning after we had cuddled up on the sofa we basically tiptoed around each other. I think I reality of what was going to happen had set in, and in a way it felt like he had already left. He had begun to pack, and to talk to the BBC producers about the fact he was moving to America. We barely talked apart from the odd word like “pass me the food”.   
I hated it. I wanted Phil to stay. But it was decided. 

*** (TIME JUMP)

PHIL POV~

“I’m going out with Chris and PJ and some others, want to come?” I asked Dan, who was sitting on the sofa with his eyes glued to his computer screen.   
“Not really. Have fun.” He said with a bored voice, before going back to scrolling down whatever website he was on.   
“Ok, see you later then.” I tried to sound happy, but really his passive attitude hurt like hell. It seemed almost as if he didn’t care I was leaving. 

I had a pretty fun night with the others, although it was bittersweet as I told them I was leaving. All the girls had started crying, and even the guys had tears forming (I could tell even though they tried to pretend they didn’t). 

When I got home it was so cold I could barely move my fingers, so instead of attempting to unlock the door I knocked, waiting for Dan to open it. I knocked twice, and he didn’t come so I knocked again. I stood impatiently at the door, watching my breath form swirling patterns in the night air. 

I still couldn’t hear any movement from behind the door, so I fumbled with my keys and opened the door. I slammed the door shut, making sure the automatic lock clicked before making my way up the many flights of stairs we had in our house. I could hear a weird sound coming from my bedroom, so without thinking I opened the door and walked in. 

It stank. It smelt of alcohol and there were bottles scattered all around the room. Dan was sitting in the middle of the floor, curled up in a ball. 

“PHILLY!!!” Dan looked up and smiled a huge, very obviously drunk smile. “I missed youuuuuuuuu!” He ran up to me and gave me a clumsy hug, before promptly sitting back down and gazing up at me. 

“I missed you too Dan.” I reached down and hooked my arms under his armpits. “Now, shall we get you to bed?” I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t help thinking how gorgeous he looked, his hobbit hair all dishevelled and his clothes all screwed up. 

“I want to sleep in here tonight,” Dan mumbled, before falling face first onto my bed. He lay there for a few seconds, and then shuffled up, wriggling until he was comfy. I sat down on the bed next to him, and watched as he patted under the covers. 

“I want to cuddle.” Dan looked at me; his eyes wide and pleading, and I lay down next to him, trying to ignore the strong stench of alcohol that was radiating off him. 

I closed my eyes and snuggled down into the sheets, my heart beating wildly as I realised how close I was to Dan. I couldn’t believe I was actually sharing a bed with him! We’d fallen asleep together on the sofa many times, but we’d never slept in the same bed before. I just wished he wasn’t drunk. 

I felt something on my face, and I smelt it soon after. Dan’s breath stank of vodka, and I opened my eyes, not realising how close he was until I made eye contact with him. He was only a few inches from my face, and his melting chocolate eyes were watching me peacefully. I smiled and watched as he came nearer. 

And then he pressed his lips onto mine. 

I pulled back in surprise, confused as to what was going on, but before I knew what was happening I kissed him back, feeling his soft lips move against mine. I could feel my heart beating hard, and right then, right there, I wanted that moment to last forever. I lifted my hand up to his head and tangled it in his hair, pulling him closer towards me and pushing our lips harder together. 

The moment would have been perfect. If he hadn’t have been drunk. 

I pulled away; realising Dan probably didn’t even know what he was doing. 

“What are you doing?” Dan moaned sleepily, his voice cracking. 

“Dan, I can’t. I’m sorry. Dan, you’re drunk. You probably won’t even remember this in the morning.” I looked at him but he was already fast asleep, looking so peaceful, despite the shocker of a hangover he would definitely have the next morning. 

I turned over, feeling Dan’s arm against my back, and felt my chest clench. The boy I loved, the boy I was leaving, just kissed me. But he was drunk. Did it mean anything? I closed my eyes, and fell asleep to the sound of Dan’s steady breathing.


	4. Taxicab

DAN POV~ 

I woke up with a huge hangover.   
“Phil, my head hurtttsss,” I moaned, my eyes still closed as I couldn’t even bear to open my eyes to the light I knew was flooding in through the windows.   
“Well you drank quite a lot last night.” I opened my eyes suddenly. I’d expected to hear Phil come in the room, and instead he was lying right next to me on the bed. I looked around and realised I was in Phil’s room. In his bed.   
“Why am I in your bed?” I asked, staring straight at him. His hair was sticking straight up, and he looked extremely cute. In a platonic way, I reminded myself.   
He suddenly looked really awkward.   
“Um… you kinda insisted.” He got out of bed and went over to the door. “I’ve, um… got to go. I’ll see you later.” He ran out the room and, even though he was still in his pyjamas, I heard the door slam.   
Ok then…   
I got out of bed and immediately I regretted it. I couldn’t see anything and my head had gone all lightheaded and weird. I sat back down on the bed.   
I had an awful hangover. I’d been drinking to forget about Phil, and then I ended up in his bed. And he’s acting weird.   
Shit. 

PHIL POV~

So Dan obviously didn’t remember anything. Great. Maybe that was for the best.   
As soon as I got outside I realised I was still wearing my pyjamas. I couldn’t really go back inside the flat so I went to Starbucks, ignoring al the weird looks, and ordered myself a latte, so at least I could stay awake.   
I waited patiently for my drink, watching all the happy couples on dates or walking past the window holding hands. One particular couple were constantly kissing and smiling and pulling kissy faces at each other, and I felt my stomach knot. I started to cry.   
Why couldn’t Dan just see that I loved him? It wasn’t that hard, if anything it was pretty goddamn obvious. And then the thing I wanted most to happen in the world happened last night and he didn’t even remember it.   
I swallowed back my tears and tried to distract myself by playing Crossy Road. I’d been addicted to it for ages and I was actually quite good, but I kept dying. I was hit by a car, and again, and again, and again…  
In frustration I threw my phone down on the table only to see an incoming call from Dan.   
“Hey Phil. I, um, kinda fell over and I’ve cut my head open.” He sounded a bit dazed, and immediately I began to panic.   
“Dan, I’ll be there soon.” I attempted to run out the door but I tripped over a woman’s leg and fell face first on the ground, knocking into the man next to me. He spilt his coffee all over his suit and glared at me.   
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”   
I ran. 

 

DAN POV~

My vision started to go blurry, and I was lying on the floor of Phil’s bedroom with blood pouring out the side of my head. Surprisingly, though, all I could think about was Phil. How he was leaving me, and how I couldn’t live without him, and how I think I had feelings for him.   
Shit. I just admitted it. I guess I always knew but I didn’t want to admit to myself I had feelings that were more than platonic for my best friend. But it all made sense. And soon he was going to leave. I’d never had a best friend before, and I hated school. But I met Phil (well I stalked him…) and immediately we clicked. I instantly knew we were perfect for each other. But I always assumed…  
The bang of a door interrupted my thoughts and I jumped as Phil ran into the room, looking panicky and out of breath.   
“Shit Dan. Shit.” He lifted my head and looked at the gaping gash that was oozing out sticky blood. Ok you need to go to the hospital." He was paler than usual. He stood up and gently helped me up, and, putting one arm around my waist, he supported me as we walked out of the flat.

We were so close. I could smell alcohol on his breath, and I sighed. He was pressed tightly up against me and I could feel his chest rise and fall as he breathed.

We got in the taxi, and I took the opportunity to rest my head on his shoulder. I looked down and noticed that my blood was running into his shirt so I sat up and waved at it.

"I'm bleeding on your shirt," I slurred, my thoughts all fuzzy and numb.

"I don't care Dan," he said, and wrapped his arm around me.

I closed my eyes to drift off to sleep.

 

I wanna fall inside your ghost  
And fill up every hole inside my mind  
And I want everyone to know  
That I am half a soul divided

Sometimes we will die and sometimes we will fly away  
Either way you're by my side until my dying days  
And if I'm not there and I'm far away  
I said, "Don't be afraid."  
I said, "Don't be afraid. We're going home."

I wanna strip myself of breath  
A breathless piece of death I've made for you  
A mortal writing piece of song will help me carry on  
But this you heard

Sometimes we will die and sometimes we will fly away  
Either way you're by my side until my dying days  
And if I'm not there and I'm far away  
I said, "Don't be afraid."  
I said, "Don't be afraid. We're going home."

So the hearse ran out of gas  
A passenger person grabbed a map  
And the driver inside it contrived a new route to save the past  
And checked his watch and grabbed a cab  
A beautifully plain taxi cab  
A cab, had it cleared out back and two men started to unpack

Driving once again  
But now this time there were three men  
And then I heard one of them say,  
"I know the night will turn to gray  
I know the stars will start to fade  
When all the darkness fades away  
We had to steal him from his fate  
So he could see another day."

Then I cracked open my box  
Someone must have picked the lock  
A little light revealed the spot  
Where my fingernails had fought  
Then I pushed it open more  
Pushing up against the door  
Then I sat up off the floor  
And found the breath I was searching for

Then there were three men up front  
All I saw were backs of heads  
And then I asked them, "Am I alive and well or am I dreaming dead?  
And then one turned around to say,  
"We're driving toward the morning sun  
Where all your blood is washed away  
And all you did will be undone."

I said, "Don't be afraid."


	5. It's just a simple kiss on the forehead

DAN POV~

I woke up in a hospital room, the walls pristine white and hand sanitizers by the toilet door. It took me a while to remember what happened, and then as I did I felt my head, and my fingers grazed a huge lump. I winced, and suddenly I heard the door handle click and I closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep, as I could not face the thought of having to talk to someone.   
I lay there, and sensed my visitor coming towards the bed. I guessed it was one of the nurses, and wished they would go away, but instead they sat down next to me.   
“Dan? Are you awake?” It was Phil. I struggled to contain my smile at his presence, but I wanted to see what he’d say.   
“Oh Dan, you idiot. What did you do that for? Two days in a row, really?” He took a deep breath. “Who’s going to look after you when I’m gone? I’m really gonna miss you, Dan. A lot more than you think. I hope you’ll miss me too… but it’s better for the both of us.” His voice shook.   
I wonder what he meant by that.   
“I’m only allowed a short time in here but I’d better go. See you later.” I felt a sinking feeling as I realised he was leaving, but then I felt his lips on my forehead.  
“Love you Dan.”   
I heard a rustle as he walked out, and I immediately sat up. What did he mean? He said he loved me? But it sounded like it was just friendly. Something you’d say to a friend…   
And what did he mean that it was better for the both of us? I would do anything to get him to stay. Anything. I know how fucking cliché it sounds, but I couldn’t imagine life without him. I genuinely couldn’t.   
I could hear a nurse outside the door, and I quickly lay back down, resuming the ‘sleeping’ position I was in earlier when Phil visited. She came in and checked my pulse, and I could hear paper flicking as she turned my file. I could smell her perfume, it was sickly sweet and as I inhaled it, it made me gag and I could feel a cough rising in my throat. Luckily she left as it became too much, but I could still smell it. ‘sillage’, I think the French call it.   
Why am I thinking about French words? Jesus Dan what are you on about? I think I was trying to distract myself from the burning question that was a raging fire in my mind.   
Why did he say he loved me? 

PHIL POV~

He looked so peaceful, lying there on the bed. I couldn’t believe it was the second night in a row he had got so smashed he was a hazard to himself. I walked over quietly, trying not to wake him, and sat down on the bed.   
I was worried about him. When I left what was he going to do? I was always the sensible one: at parties I stayed sober enough to be able to take him home while he got completely intoxicated.   
“Dan? Are you awake?” I hoped he would be, but I didn’t receive an answer, so I said what I wanted to say.   
“Oh Dan, you idiot. What did you do that for? Two days in a row, really?” I sighed. “Who’s going to look after you when I’m gone? I’m really gonna miss you, Dan. A lot more than you think. I hope you’ll miss me too… but it’s better for the both of us.” Maybe I was being selfish in leaving, but I hoped that it would be better for him in the long run, too. I sat there for a few moments, watching him sleep. He looked so calm, nothing like what he was like yesterday and the day before.   
I could see the nurse outside the door looking at her watch, and so I got up, but before I left I stood by the bed.   
“I’m only allowed a short time in here but I’d better go. See you later.”   
Without thinking, I pressed my lips to his forehead and mumbled, “Love you Dan.”   
When I left the nurse informed me that if Dan woke up, I could take him home later that afternoon, so I decided to stay in the hospital. I’ve always hated them, because in a way they seemed more like a factory. There was no decoration on the walls, and the corridors were hushed and the smell of sanitiser could be smelt throughout the whole building.   
The worst thing though, was the feeling of despair. In the waiting room there were always people sitting there trying to hold in tears, or someone sobbing uncontrollably while their companion comforted them.   
I spent a few hours killing time in the coffee shop by scrolling through Tumblr and Youtube. I looked at the comments section on both mine and Dan’s channels, and Dan had loads of comments asking when he was going to put up his next video. I turned my phone off, feeling annoyed at the way they were mindlessly putting pressure on him, without thinking about the fact he was busy enough as it was.   
I heard a cough as I was reblogging a picture of some cute lion drawings, and I turned around to see the nurse from earlier standing right behind me.   
“He’s ready to go home now.” She marched off, and I made my way down to Dan’s room.


	6. Well, that's awkward

DAN POV~

I thought something happened the night I was drunk. Phil seemed to want to avoid the topic and I wanted to know why. So I decided to ask.   
“Phil, why don’t you want to talk about what happened when I was drunk?” I asked bluntly as he was opening our flat door. He looked uncomfortable.   
“Nothing,” he said a little too quickly, and walked in, holding the door open for me. I walked through and saw some blood on the stairs, making a mental note to wash that off before our landlord decided to pay us a visit.   
“I’m not stupid.” I was in a crappy mood, and my head hurt, and the last thing I needed was people not telling me the truth.   
“Umm…” He coughed. His blue eyes flickered from side to side before looking down at the ground. “You were really drunk… and I decided to take you back to bed... And then we kissed.” He turned around rapidly and walked into the kitchen.   
We WHAT???? WHY???? So that’s why he’d been acting so awkward… he obviously didn’t want it to happen otherwise he would not be so reluctant to talk about it…  
Well done, Dan, you drunk idiot. So now you’ve ruined your friendship as well. Congratulations.   
I followed him into the kitchen and sat down opposite him. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere else but there.   
“We kissed?” I whispered quietly.   
He nodded. “I’m sorry Dan, you just kinda came at me but I stopped it and yeh… I’m so sorry.”   
“It’s ok.” I tried to hide the disappointment in my voice. It sounded to him like it meant nothing. And that hurt. It really freaking did.   
“So… we’re cool?” he asked.   
“Yeh, we’re cool.” I answered, fiddling with the sleeve of my shirt. The tension in the air could be sliced with a knife, and so I decided to change the conversation. “When are you going to tell everyone… about America?” I immediately regretted this, as it made it seem even more real.   
He looked away. “I’m not sure, um… I guess I’ll have to at some point… I mean… Yeh… I don’t really know how to do it… But yeh… Um…” He coughed. “I was gonna watch some more of Death Note. You in?” I nodded, and told him I’d be in in a few minutes. Well, that was awkward. 

PHIL POV~ 

Well, that was awkward. And painful. Dan looked so shocked… and I became a mumbling mess at the end of that. What was I thinking? I should have made something up; now he’s going to think I’m some weirdo who takes advantage of his best friend when he’s drunk. He acted really weirdly, obviously he found it really disgusting and…   
I held back the tears, and swallowed, trying to dislodge the huge lump that had gathered in my throat.   
And then he brought up me leaving. So casually. As if he didn’t care. It was almost as if he wanted me gone… maybe after what I told him he does. But it was him who kissed me, not the other way round.   
Oh wow. This is just a mess.   
I slumped on the sofa, and then grudgingly pulled myself back up when I realised I hadn’t put in the disc. I lent over and as I was slotting the DVD into the machine I heard the door open behind me, and Dan sigh as he sat down.   
Silently I made my way back to the sofa and as the opening music for Death Note came on I felt a sneeze come on.   
I sneezed.   
“Bless you,” Dan mumbled.   
“Thanks,” I said back, wishing the tension could go away, but instead it was almost unbearable. 

We’d only been watching for about twenty minutes when Dan made some excuse about being tired and left. It was only 11. I knew he’d be up for ages; he could never sleep before two. Great. I really screwed things up. 

I pretty much binged watched Death Note until the house became freezing, and then I went into my room and pulled on my Jake hoodie that Dan got me. I snuggled into it. I was almost asleep when I heard my phone buzz. It was just a notification from Twitter, saying that someone had tweeted me asking for emojis. I replied, sending a plane and the American flag, hoping that no one would question it.   
It’s weird, thinking that that one decision would change my whole life.   
I felt a tear trickle out of the corner of my eye as I pulled in my headphones and fell asleep early for the first time in ages listening to What A Catch, Donnie by Fall Out Boy.


	7. Thanks for the memories

PHIL POV~ 

I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact I told him that we kissed. And he seemed surprised that he was the one who lent in?   
And he seemed so… disgusted by it. But it wasn’t my fault! I guessed I could have stopped it… or not told him… but I’d really screwed things up. If he wanted me to move to America as quickly as I could after this I wouldn’t be surprised. It’d probably be easier for him, anyway.   
Or maybe I shouldn’t go to America. Maybe I should stay at home, in London. Maybe going to America was a mistake. I struggled when Dan was away for a few days; the house seemed empty and lonely and I spent the days moping around the house waiting for him to return. But permanently moving halfway across the world?   
That is why I needed to leave. I was too dependent on someone who was supposedly just my platonic best friend.   
Why did everything have to be so complicated?  
I could hear the cars drive past our house, repetitive as if it was a song on repeat. I found it strangely calming. A single horn sounded, and within seconds it was followed by a torrent of more horns. I heard the slamming of car doors, and shouts that I couldn’t quite make out over the noise of the traffic. I stayed, staring at my ceiling for a little while, before giving up on sleep. I pulled myself out of bed and wandered towards the kitchen, running my hand through my extreme bed hair.   
My stomach rumbled and I decided to go for a midnight snack, so I wandered into the kitchen and opened the cupboard. I pulled out a box of Special K that just happened to be Dan’s, but I decided that he wouldn’t be up and helped myself. He hated it when I ate his cereal.   
“Phil, what are you doing?” I jumped as I heard his voice, and looked up from the table. I watched him he walked over to the other side of the table and glared at me. “Not again. Why are you eating my cereal?”   
“I’m sorry Dan… I was hungry…” I looked awkwardly down at my feet and for some reason this made him angrier.   
He stood there, staring at me. “Well eat your own fucking food.”  
“Dan why are you so angry? It’s only cereal!”   
“Because you keep doing it.”   
“I’m sorry Dan. Jesus I didn’t realise cereal meant so much to you.” I slammed the box down on the table.   
“It’s not just the cereal.”   
“What do you mean by that?”   
“Doesn’t matter.” He turned to walk away.   
“Dan! What did you mean?” I barely ever raised my voice, but I did now.   
“It’s just that you’re doing stuff that upsets me without realising. Again.”  
“When have I done that before?” I was confused. I couldn’t think of what I’d done to make Dan this upset.   
“You’re going to America. Halfway across the fucking world. Did you really think I wouldn’t care? Jesus Phil it’s tearing me apart. I don’t know how I’m going to manage without you. And earlier. You just seemed so… disgusted. That we kissed.”   
“I wasn’t disgusted Dan. I thought that you were.” He was about to walk out of the room but without thinking I grabbed his arm, pulled him back and kissed him. For a second he stood there, frozen, but he began to kiss back.   
Then suddenly he pulled away. He looked me in the eyes and opened his mouth to say something. I pushed past him.   
“Dan I’m so sorry I’ve ruined everything. I know what you’re going to say. Don’t bother.” I ran out the door, and slammed my bedroom door shut, sobbing.   
I’d really screwed up now. 

DAN POV~

He kissed me. The last thing I expected was to feel his lips on mine, but yet I did. I began to kiss back, but as he had caught me by surprise I hadn’t taken a breath and so I needed to come up for air. And I thought we should talk. I pulled back and opened my mouth to say something, but he ran.   
“Dan I’m so sorry I’ve ruined everything. I know what you’re going to say. Don’t bother.”   
I ran after him, stopping outside his door. “Phil. Phil. let me in.” But he didn’t reply, and soon I heard the sound of Greenday blasting through the cracks in the door and I knew that there was no way he could hear me. I guessed that we would have to talk about it the next day, but I lingered outside his room, hoping to hear the music fade out and know that meant he wanted to talk.   
It could either go two ways. Either it’ll go back to the way it was before… with occasional awkward moments when we remembered, or… something more could happen. And I know which one I wanted.


	8. Where did the party go?

DAN POV~

Somehow I had managed to fall asleep last night, after hours of lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. I couldn’t quite comprehend what had happened, but I knew that I needed to talk to him. Surprisingly, I had woken up at a kind of decent time, so I pulled myself out of bed, using the thought of talking to Phil to get me up. He was always up before me, so the house seemed strangely quiet. I pottered from room to room, hoping to catch glimpse of his beautiful blue eyes and jet-black hair, but instead I couldn’t find him.   
I began to panic that he had left, and he was not coming back.   
I ran into his room and saw his computer lying on the bed and his charger plugged in at the wall, and realised he would never have left without these, so I began to relax, and felt so relieved I began to feel faint, so, walking to the living room, I swiped my computer off the table and slumped into the browsing position.   
Tumblr kept me busy for a few hours, along with some trips to the kitchen to get random bowls of cereal, but after spending around 5 hours alone I was beginning to worry. The longest I ever spent without Phil was a couple of hours at the most (apart from family visits etc) and it hit me just how much I was dependent on him.   
What was I supposed to say to him when he came back? What was I supposed to do? Maybe he regretted it. Maybe he realised just how weird I am. Maybe he decided that he would rather be without me. Maybe he realised there was no point because he was going to America in a few weeks.   
Shit. I forgot about America.   
The sick feeling that I had become so used in the last few weeks resurfaced, and I swallowed, trying to keep it down.   
A ding from the doorbell distracted me from my thoughts, and I rushed over and flung it open, waiting to see him.   
But it was just a postman.   
He handed me parcel which I signed for quickly and, without either of us uttering a single word other than a quiet thank you from me, shut the door, walking back up the seemingly never ending flight of stairs that led up to our flat.   
Even though it was addressed to Phil I felt too curious to just leave it unopened, so I ripped open the packaging and tugged out the contents.   
It was luggage labels for his trip.   
Well, it was not really a trip. A one way journey.   
His destination was printed clearly in bold on the inside of the star covered cover (trust Phil to pick out the child’s one) and on the front his name and phone number was written. I flipped it over, expecting our address, but the realisation that it would no longer be his address in two weeks was like someone had stabbed me with a knife.   
I attempted to put the parcel back together as if it had never been touched, but I’d managed to rip the box, so I decided just to admit to him that I’d opened his mail… When he arrived.   
As if he had heard me thinking about him, he opened the door, slamming it shut behind him. I heard him trudge up the stairs and go into his room without even bothering to utter a single ‘hey’ or anything like that. I knocked on his door.   
“Phil, can we talk?”  
“Sorry Dan, filming video.”   
He couldn’t even be bothered to reply with a full sentence. That was obviously how much I meant to him. That hurt.   
I walked back into the kitchen where the box was lying, the contents spilling out. I picked it up, but a drop of water fell on the front. I looked up, looking for signs of leaking, but I couldn’t see anything. Another one fell and as I wiped it off I realised I was crying.   
I did the only thing I could think of. I wasn’t brave. I didn’t go and talk to him. Instead, I ran to my room and cried. 

PHIL POV~

After replying to Dan I set up my tripod and flicked on the lights, distracting myself from the growing lump in my throat by focusing on the technicalities of the equipment.   
I was filming my goodbye video.   
I hadn’t written a script. I hadn’t even thought about what I was going to say. I was just going to speak.   
Anything bad could be edited out later. I just needed to talk to someone. Even if that someone was a black camera and a tripod.   
Halfway through filming a picture that I’d put up ages ago and never really looked at caught my eye. I was smiling next to Dan, who had his arm around me. We were in the Maid’s Café, and we both seemed so… happy.   
Maybe I wasn’t making the right decision. Maybe something could work.   
My voice cracked halfway through my sentence but I was started from the beginning, desperate to finish the video I had been dreading making but knew was necessary.   
I lent over and switched off the camera, pulling out the SD card with swiftness that came from years of practice. I plugged it into my computer and watched as the tiny thumbnails flickered to life on the screen, mini Phils all talking.   
I skimmed over the first bit which was just me fixing my fringe and making sure the lighting was perfect, and focused on the rest of the video. Most of it was just pure waffle, and some bits I had to cut out due to the tears that were obviously forming in my eyes.   
I reached the part where I stopped and stared at the photo and the sadness was so evident in my eyes that I slammed the computer screen shut, and decided to continue later when I wasn’t in danger of having a break down.  
Was it even the right thing to do, to post this video? That meant there was no turning back, and that that was it. Once the Phans knew I couldn’t pull out.


	9. Dance, Dance

DAN POV~ 

And again, I couldn’t seem to sleep. I could never sleep anymore. The constant bad thoughts kept me tossing and turning for hours at night, and even a bit of Muse or Fall Out Boy couldn’t stop them from running round my head.   
He’d been in his room for way longer than the camera had been running. We always edited our videos with the other watching. We said it was so we could give each other tips, but really, what neither of us said, was that we valued the other’s opinion above anyone else’s, and we just wanted to spend time with each other.   
The house was freezing. I laughed to myself. It matched my mood. But it was not great for going to sleep. I curled up, trying to keep myself warm but the temperature seemed to shrink quickly. More than anything I craved a coffee, but I knew I’d never sleep due to the caffeine, which I was always really affected by.   
Ah, fuck it, I decided, and threw the duvet off me, hissing at the cold air. I padded through the house before reaching the kitchen, careful not to walk into the glass door like Phil always does.   
Both of us were pretty nocturnal, so the fact that Phil had only started to film a video at 11 and was still ‘editing’ at 3, and I was walking around, didn’t surprise me. I listening to the moan of our dying coffee machine as it pierced the capsules and with a hiss let out a stream off lumpy coffee. I sipped at it, gagging at the huge lumps in it, but deciding that I would have to bear it.   
I gulped it down in a few huge mouthfuls and left it on the side. I paced up and down the kitchen, wondering what there was to do at 3 in the morning apart from browse Tumblr, but nothing came to mind so I grabbed my computer and wandered into the living room.   
I went to plug in headphones but I heard a noise. I shut the lid and listened. And again. It sounded like… sobs.   
I quietly followed the noise, and arrived at Phil’s door. I pressed my ear to the side and heard a huge sob and sniffs. I pushed open the door slowly, thankful that the house wasn’t new so the doors didn’t creak, and shut it quietly behind me. Phil was lying on his bed, fully dressed, with his back facing me. I crept up and softly sat down on the bed.   
Startled, he sprang upright and stared at me.   
“Dan, what are you doing?” He croaked, trying to subtly wipe the tears off his face. He wiped his nose with the back of his hand and ran his other hand through his fringe. He looked a mess.   
“I heard you crying,” I admitted.   
“I wasn’t crying.”  
“I don’t believe you,” I said, looking at his raw eyes and messed up hair.   
“Well, I wasn’t. You must be hearing things.” He’d always been a bad liar.   
“Phil, you know I know when you’re lying.”  
“Ok, ok. Fine. I was crying. Happy now?” He glared at me.   
“No. The complete opposite. I hate it when you’re sad. What’s wrong?”   
“Doesn’t matter.”  
“Phil, tell me.”  
“No.”  
“Please.”  
“Fine. If you really want to know, I’m moving to America because I’m in love with my straight best friend and I have been since I met him and I can’t deal with the pain of knowing he will never love me back anymore. And now he hates me because I kissed him and he thinks I’m disgusting and will probably be happy to see me go, and he has no idea how much I’m going to miss him and how this move is breaking me apart.”

PHIL POV~

Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit.   
What did I just do?   
I just told him I loved him.   
I looked up. He looked shocked.   
“Just leave, Dan.” I forced the words out, trying not to break down.   
Instead, he moved up the bed so he was sitting next to me, looking me in the eyes.   
I looked down, but felt his hands around my head, and suddenly, he pulled me towards him and pressed his lips to mine. I kissed back. For once, I could not taste alcohol on his breath, or have to fear rejection, so I allowed myself to melt into the kiss. It was sweet, and innocent, and there was no passion behind it, no tongues, just love.   
I pulled back.   
“What does this mean?” I asked, suddenly nervous. “Why did you kiss me?”   
“Because I love you, Phil. I always have. But I didn’t realise it until you said you were leaving. It hit me how much I rely on you, how much I need you. And how much I am in love with you.” He looked straight into my eyes and I gazed back, getting lost in the gorgeous, melting chocolate brown of them.   
“Why didn’t you say anything?”  
“Because when you told me you seemed to just brush it off. And then yesterday I tried to talk to you but you wouldn’t talk, and I was going to today but you ran off. I was trying to find the right time.”  
“Oh Dan…” I couldn’t think of what to say, but I didn’t need to, because Dan kissed me again.   
This time it was more heated. It started off slowly but soon it began to get more passionate. He tangled his fingers in my hair, pulling me even closer and I responded by wrapping my arms around his neck. He traced my lips with his tongue, asking for entry, and I granted it, feeling his tongue enter my mouth. I pulled away and kissed his neck, feeling him go weak under my arms. I continued to suck, and as I pulled back I noticed a red and purple mark was beginning to form.   
I touched it lightly. “Sorry,” I mumbled.   
He pulled me back onto his lips. “I… don’t… care…” He whispered between kisses. I took the opportunity to flip us over so I was lying on top of him. I pulled the bottom of his shirt and looked up at him, asking for permission, and he responded by reaching up and undoing the buttons on my shirt. I took that as a yes and yanked it over his head before throwing it across the room and not caring that it knocked over a plant that only a few days ago I had been boasting about how big it was.   
I traced the lines on his chest, and pulled away. I couldn’t do this. Not yet. For now, I just wanted to be in his arms, finally. Sighing, I curled up against him, his chin resting on my head.   
“I love you, Dan,” I whispered, closing my eyes. I could feel him breath ‘I love you too” , and w


	10. Doubt

PHIL POV~ 

The light that was streaming in through the gaps in my curtains woke me up, and when I looked over to my alarm clock I saw that it was only 8. I lay, staring at the ceiling, thinking over the dream I’d had the night before. Dan had said he loved me. Why did I have to wake up?   
I noticed a crack in the ceiling that I hadn’t noticed before and it really started to bug me. It was thin and wispy, and was only a few centimetres long and why was I staring at a crack?  
I heard a rustling behind me and turned around and came face to face with a sleeping Dan.   
Why was he in my bed?   
It wasn’t a dream.   
I felt a huge grin spread across my face, and I stroked the hair off his forehead.   
That actually happened. Wow.   
Dan’s eyelids fluttered open, and confusion flickered across his eyes. He sat up suddenly.   
I could see the realisation settle in his face, and he mirrored my grin, lying back down and pulling me into him so we were spooning. I sighed contently and wrapped his arm around me, settling back into the sheets. 

DAN POV~

At around 10 I decided we should probably get up, so I pulled Phil out of bed and dragged him into the kitchen, shoving a bowl of cereal in his face.   
He looked so adorable, with messy hair and droopy eyes. Yawning, he ran a hand through his fringe, and I couldn’t resist. I lent over and kissed him. We both had morning breath but neither of us cared, and we continued to kiss until we had to pull back for breath. I looked down shyly, suddenly embarrassed and worried. What if he’d changed his mind since last night?  
But he just grinned at me. We’d managed not to utter a single word to each other that morning, just communicating via facial expressions.   
As Phil went into his room to get dressed I remembered about America. He said that the reason he was leaving was because of me, but now… were we in a relationship? Anyways, would he stay or decide to go regardless. It was a fantastic opportunity and if I were not a selfish person I’d tell him to go and do it. But… I was and I couldn’t face the thought of him leaving.   
He came out of his room wearing a light blue shirt he hadn’t worn in ages, and I couldn’t believe that, even if just for the moment, he was mine. He entered the living room and sat down next to me, curling up and resting his head on my shoulder.   
“Phil,” I whispered, in a way hoping he didn’t hear me. “What’s happening about America?”   
He looked up at me, his eyes full of sadness. “Well, um, it’s such a good opportunity and I think I might still go,” he said quickly, avoiding eye contact.   
“Oh, ok,” I choked out, feeling a lump rise in my throat.   
“I was going to post that video today.” He coughed.   
“Yeh, good idea. When’s the flight again?” I blinked, trying to hold back tears.   
“On Thursday.”   
“But that’s only two days. I thought you said that it was on Saturday?”  
“They moved the flight because they have to repair a part of the runway or something I think,” he muttered. “Hang on, just let me get my laptop.”  
I tried to breathe and not cry, because he was going to come back in.   
He ran back in and jumped on the sofa, tucking his legs underneath him.   
He pulled up the video and loaded it onto YouTube. His cursor hovered over the upload button. He took a deep breath and clicked it, watching the video upload onto the Internet for everyone to see. He shut his laptop and looked at me, tears flooding his eyes, and as mine began to water he started to sob, which set me off too.   
He flung himself into my arms and cried, his tears wetting my shirt.   
I couldn’t believe that he had just done that. He couldn’t back out after telling the fans. 

PHIL POV~

Dan had fallen asleep, so I slowly lifted his arm and slid out from his embrace, sliding my laptop off into my hand as I walked past. I flipped open the screen and watched the comments flood in at such enormous speed I didn’t have time to read any before they were pushed off the screen by more incoming ones.   
NOOOOOO PHIL U CANT DO THIS TO US :(((((((((was pretty much the gist of all of them, and each comment made me feel more and more and more sick and suddenly it became overwhelming and I ran to the toilet, just reaching it in time.   
I wandered back into my room and sat down shakily. Everyone knew now. And maybe, just maybe, I had made the wrong decision. My reason for leaving had now gone… so did I really need to leave?


	11. Lullabye

PHIL POV~

Packing. I’d forgotten about packing. I was always so organised usually, but I guess a lot had been on my mind. Even after lying awake the night before thinking about it, I still couldn’t make sense of the situation.  
I spent the whole of the morning running around the flat grabbing my things and shoving them into a bag that was definitely too small for the amount of stuff I had. Most of my stuff I’d decided to leave in the flat because I could just buy it again when I arrived, so I was just packing what I could carry on the plane. Dan offered to help but after half an hour of watching him wrap my clothes up in a tiny ball and then squeezing it into my suitcase I sent him away, and proceeded to unpack everything he’d just packed and fold it neatly.  
I didn’t realise just how much stuff I had until I had to fit it into just one bag. I was seriously considering getting a private jet and being in debt all my life because I was so stressed. I decided to leave my houseplants with Dan; because I decided there was no way they’d survive the flight (although to be honest they probably had more of a chance on the plane than with Dan).  
I flung open my wardrobe and grabbed everything, flattening them so that it fitted in. It looked empty and bare, and the sight made a lump in my throat rise up. Even my bed sheets had been stripped off the bed and packed, and my room looked as if it had never been lived in.  
I checked my phone expecting some sort of message but I remembered I had had to log out of twitter and YouTube because my phone was constantly buzzing with notifications from fans, and I didn’t feel like responding.  
Dan and I had barely spoken since I posted the video. It was as if that night had never happened, and that hurt. Not as much as leaving, but it did. I think he was angry with me for leaving, especially after we admitted our feelings to each other.  
It was late evening when I finally began to stop packing, and Dan and I spent our last night on the sofa watching anime. We’d had Chinese for dinner, which we’d barely touched. The last time we’d had Chinese was when I told him I was leaving. It was almost fitting, in a way, to be eating Chinese that night. We’d sat at the table staring at each other, trying to choke out words but not managing, and so swirling our food around our plates a couple of times making patterns with the sauce, and avoiding eye contact.  
Afterwards, we were both on the sofa, completely silent. The only sound in the room was the TV, which neither of us was watching.  
I heard Dan sniff and I looked over. He had tears streaming down his cheeks, and he looked up at me, his eyes watery and sad. Without saying a word, I lent over and pulled him into me, resting my head on his. He snuggled into me and I wrapped my arms around him, kissing the top of his head.  
We fell asleep like that, spending my last night together curled up on the sofa. 

DAN POV~

He was leaving. It seemed surreal. I almost expected him to change his mind and stay, but that didn’t happen. Instead, he checked he’d packed everything and rummaged through the draws for his passport, creating a huge mess. As we left the flat his eyes were glistening with tears and he gazed at it for a moment and then turned away towards the road, not looking back.  
We got a taxi to the airport because Phil’s bags were so huge. We dragged them through the airport, arriving at Check In. Because Phil can’t deal with being late for anything we were half an hour too early, so we made a trip to the Starbucks in the airport. We sat there in silence, watching people say goodbye to family and friends, and in less than an hour I realised that would be us.  
The half an hour passed more quickly that I wanted it to. After the intial silence we began to joke about the people walking through, and for a while I forgot the reason we were there. It was so easy, being with him, and I didn’t know what I would do without him.  
The light lit up, the lady at the check in arrived, and we made our way towards the desk. I stood back, watching him hand over his passport and ticket, thinking about tearing it out his hands and making a run for it.  
I loved him and he was leaving.  
His bag went off on the belt, and he turned back to me.  
“Shall we go to Security?” He said quietly, looking down at the floor.  
“Um, sure, yeh,” I replied, before taking a deep breath and grabbing his hand. He smiled sadly at me, and we walked through large groups of people, collecting strange looks from the many passers-by (although I couldn’t care less at that point) and arrived at Security.  
Without thinking I joined the line with Phil, but was stopped by a large, angry looking man telling me I had to go.  
Phil stepped out the queue with me, and stared at me.  
“I guess this is it then,” he said, and then broke down.  
I started to cry too, and flung my arms around him, and then pulled back and kissed him. He kissed back, softly, and then broke it off, and hugged me again.  
It was heartbreaking.  
He stepped back.  
“I love you, Dan,” he said, and then turned around and joined the line. Soon he was surrounded by people, and I couldn’t see him anymore.  
I walked away, and called a taxi. On the short journey home I cried, ignoring the strange looks the driver was giving me.  
I entered our flat, feeling numb, and sat on Phil’s bed. Everything of his had gone, and it looked like it did when we arrived, as if he’d never lived there. He’d soon be forgetting about me in America, meeting new people and probably moving in with his new best friend. And I was here.  
I curled up, and lay there, tears leaking out the corners of my eyes. 

PHIL POV~

I walked through security feeling numb, and sat down with a coffee on one of the seats facing the huge window that looked out onto the planes. I turned my phone on, hoping for a message from Dan, but the screen remained blank.  
I still had two hours until my flight, and I needed to distract myself. I put my earphones in and played Fall Out Boy at full volume. Miss Missing You came on, and I thought about what had happened in the last three weeks.  
It seemed so long ago that Dan got drunk and went to hospital, and when we kissed, and the argument that we had that started off about cereal and went on from there. Then there was that night where we both confessed our feelings, and that was probably the happiest night of my life.  
The rest of the time passed in a blur, and I got on the plane and watched the buildings become smaller and smaller until they looked like little toy houses, and then so small I couldn’t see them at all. I sat back in my seat and sighed, and almost immediately sat up with sudden nausea at what was happening. Why was I leaving? The reason I accepted the job was because I thought Dan would never return my feelings. But now I knew he did…  
What was I doing?


	12. Where is your boy tonight

DAN POV~

Surprisingly, it wasn’t the first day that was the loneliest. It was the second.   
For the first day, I pretty much spent the entire time lying on Phil’s bed staring at the ceiling and crying. I was a wreck. I knew it was stupid, because it wasn’t like he’d died or anything, but I felt so lost, and I missed him so much.   
That day reached a low when I sprayed the aftershave he’d left behind on my pillow, breathing in his scent as I dragged it into his room and lay back down on the bed.   
Eventually I decided that I should probably eat something even though the thought of food made me want to throw up so I made my way to the kitchen.   
“Phil, what would you…” I trailed off, realising what I had just said. Numbly, I grabbed a packet of crisps out of the cupboard and went back to his room. I almost sat on his bed but then I remembered he didn’t like it when I left crumbs all over the sheets, so I sat on the floor, nibbling on the edge of one of the crisps.   
I then resumed my place on his bed, and fell asleep early in the morning, exhausted from all the crying.   
The second day was awful.   
It finally hit me he was gone. And wasn’t coming back.   
I was so lonely. I kept making jokes and asking him questions, only to find I was answered with a silence so loud it made my ears hurt.   
I guessed he was probably off the plane by then, so I continuously checked my phone hoping for a message, but nothing appeared.   
He was off, in America. Why would he bother texting me, his boring English friend? He was probably happy to leave. Maybe he’d realised that he didn’t love me, and that saying that was all a huge mistake. Maybe he just said that to make me feel better, because he knew I thought no one loved me. Maybe he had wanted to move out all along but felt he couldn’t because he didn’t want to upset me, so he decided to do it this way.   
Even with all these thoughts running through my head I still felt excited every time my screen lit up, but every time I was disappointed.   
Isn’t love supposed to be all happy and carefree and perfect? That’s how movies always show it. It’s always happy ever after, no matter what the huge problem they had to overcome was.   
Apparently that’s not how it is in the real world. I guessed I had fooled myself into thinking that that’s what would happen, and we’d be together forever and all that shit.   
I thought about what he was doing. He was probably in his new flat, getting things sorted out, dancing around to Fall Out Boy with a huge grin on his face like he did when we moved in.   
Time passed. Minutes seemed like hours. I performed the necessary actions to stay alive, until an alert on my phone told me I would usually do a liveshow soon.   
I decided to attempt to get some normality in my life, and tweeted. I opened up my laptop and pulled up YouNow, signed in and began to broadcast.   
I couldn’t think of anything to say. I just froze. The comments were blowing up with questions about Phil leaving, and I couldn’t think straight, I attempted to greet them with my usual ‘Hello Internet’, but my mouth went dry and I sat there opening and closing my mouth with no sound coming out.   
I did the only thing I could think of. Which was slam the computer lid shut.   
That was a mistake.   
My twitter flared up with a whirlwind of messages asking what happened. I replied saying YouNow had crashed, even though I knew, and they knew, that it was not true at all.   
I’ve never done anything like that before. I’ve always been able to cope, to at least do something when I’ve been in a difficult position, but I just didn’t know what to do.   
I was trying to make sense of what was going on, but it felt like inside my head was just marshmallow, thick and sticky.   
I tried to calm down. I lay on my bed scrolling through song after song, before settling on Where Is Your Boy Tonight by Fall Out Boy. 

Where is your boy tonight  
I hope he is a gentlemen  
Maybe he won’t find out what I know:  
You were the last good thing about this part of town. 

 

PHIL POV~

As soon as I got off the plane I knew what I had to do.   
And I ran.


	13. Immortals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this is it! I hope you guys enjoyed this- please review if you did!  
> Thank you so much for reading :) x

DAN POV~

It had been three days. So many people had asked me about what had happened during the YouNow I had panicked and thrown my phone across the room, smashing it into pieces. Phil leaving had completely destroyed me- I had no idea what to do with myself. I was so lonely, and I missed him so, so much.   
I was in the middle of cooking pasta (the first proper meal I’d had since the Chinese) when the doorbell rang.   
I didn’t answer.   
I couldn’t think of anything worse than having to make conversation when all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and cry, thinking about how the person I loved most in the world was halfway across it.   
It rang again. I left it, again. What idiot would keep ringing? It was pretty obvious no one was going to come to the door.   
It rang again. And again. And again.   
The noise was echoing through my head, and it felt like a hammer smashing my skull. I’d barely had any sleep and even the beep of the microwave had caused me to wince, so this doorbell was almost torture.   
The tenth ring cause me to storm to the door. I flung it open.   
“What?” I yelled angrily as I opened the door.   
I came face to face with the last person I expected to be on my doorstep. 

PHIL POV~

“What?” Dan sounded angry as he opened the door.   
He looked at me in shock.   
“Phil?” He whispered. He looked terrible. I could tell he had barely slept, and he looked as if he hadn’t had a shower since I left.   
“Hi,” I whispered back, gazing into his eyes.   
Suddenly I was pulled inside the door and it shut behind me as I was slammed against it, Dan pressing himself against me as he kissed me.   
I kissed back. It was desperate and passionate, and Dan pushed me harder against the wall, almost like if he let go I would disappear. I tangled my fingers in his hair and pulled him closer still, our tongues dancing together. He moaned and did the same, his fingers tugging on my knotted hair.   
Just as suddenly as the kiss started it ended. He stood back panting. And then threw himself at me again. I was expecting a kiss, but instead he flung his arms around me, and I could feel him squeeze me tightly.   
“What are you doing here?” He whispered, pulling back and looking me in the eyes. He looked so confused, and his stubble made him look even scruffier.  
“I got the earliest plane home.” I stroked his hair. We were still standing in the hallway so I led him upstairs, into the living room. It was a mess. There were crisp packets everywhere and dirty plates and mugs, and the whole room stank.   
“Why’s it such a mess?” I looked at him. “And you look awful. Have you even showered? Or slept?” He looked down awkwardly.   
“I… uh…” He hesitated. “Why are you here?” He changed the question.   
“I couldn’t leave. I just couldn’t.” I said.   
“But it was a fantastic opportunity and it was better for you to be away from me because I’m such a liability and I’m so sorry for being annoying and clingy and such a bad flatmate and-“   
“Don’t ever say that!” I cut him off. “I came back because I realised what a big mistake I was making. I love you Dan, and I can’t just leave, not when I’ve finally found out you love me too. I would regret it for the rest of my life.” I blushed at how cringy it sounded.   
“Wait so you just took the plane home? Where are your bags?” He looked confused.   
“They’re still in America. I didn’t have time to collect them.”   
He looked as if he didn’t know what to say. “We… uh… we need to get them back.”   
I looked at him properly. As he bit his bottom lip I knew what I wanted.   
“We can do that later. For now, I have an idea of what we can do.” I looked at him questioningly, and his eyes lit up with realisation and he nodded.   
I pulled his head towards me and kissed him passionately, leading him in the direction of his bedroom. 

DAN POV~

Last night was amazing. And waking up beside him this morning, knowing everything was going to be ok, was just as good.   
I finally felt like I could breathe again after weeks of not being able to think clearly. It was such a weight lifted off my shoulders, and I actually felt happy.   
I felt him stir beside me, and I sat up, watching him slowly open his eyes.   
“Morning beautiful,” I said, bending down and kissing him on the forehead.   
He smiled sleepily up and me and burrowed down underneath the covers.   
I smiled back and tugged at his arm. “Come on Phil, we need to get up now! It’s almost one.” I pulled the covers off him and he winced at the cold, clawing desperately at my hand to get them back but I got up, and he groaned, before pulling himself up and running his hand lethargically through his hair.   
His stomach grumbled, and mine responded. We both looked at each other and laughed.   
“Pancakes,” we both said, and laughed again, and as we made our way towards the kitchen I realised that even though we still had issues that needed sorting, and stuff that we needed to do, everything would be ok. More than ok. Wonderful.


End file.
